EU Promises Less Austerity. Angela Merkel In Stable Condition

EU ministers, amazed that austerity measures have not lead the 10% GDP growths throughout the European Union have agreed to lessen such measures in an attempt to spur growth in the Union. Growth, measured by Gross Domestic Product has fallen lower than Justin Bieber's dwindling popularity since austerity measures have been the primary focus of debt reduction. Human misery though, as measured by people jumping out windows, consuming barrels of alcohol and downloading millions of internet copies of the Protocol of Zion, have risen higher than a hot air balloon in a hurricane.  
Not everyone was happy to hear the news, though. It was reported in a German newspaper that Angela Merkel, Germany's Chancellor and chief proponent of austerity had to be coaxed from a window ledge by staff members wearing masks with the likeness of Ronald Reagan after hearing the news. She was given injections of Haldol and Valium and is now resting peaceably in bed playing gin rummy with George Soros.