Thoughts Out Of Season

English teacher Mark Grist h as quit teaching to pursue a rap career after beating a 17 year old at a rap contest. Mr. Grist beat 17 year old MC Blizzard with the following rap: Your face is very hairy Looks like my sister's canary Yo mama smells like a shit Yo sister I would not hit If I hadn't had a women Since John Gotti's Last Big Hit. Yo rap is as stupid As yo mama's bush is putrid You say that you can rap But  you so ugly you couldn't catch the clap This was just part of the winning rhyme that went on for twenty-six further stanzas. Mr.Grist hopes to team up with Dr.Dre and Snoop Dog in the future. Says Mr. Grist "Yo ain't spent good times till you hears my rhymes"

Teens across the nation have found that the small type on bottles of hand sanitizer that reads "62% alcohol" really means 62% alcohol or 120 proof. School officials became suspicious after most of their filthiest students began to become preoccupied  with catching virus and repeatedly asked, sometimes 15 times a day to be excused so they could go to the hallway and sanitize their hands. Many would come back seemingly refreshed and smirking. "We have seen more instances of children ingesting hand sanitizer than we have seen of LSD being passed around on chewing gum paper". School officials are at a loss of what to replace the sanitizers with. One official brought up the idea to replace them with bottles of beer which contain only 6% alcohol. At least one school district in Tupelo, Kansas is considering the idea.

Hey, Marc Levine I found a case of tyranny for ya. John Dryden of Batavia, Ill, a high school teacher faces dismissal for informing his students about their 5th Amendment right against self incrimination just before they were to answer a series of questions regarding personal use of alcohol and drugs.Officials at the school say that teaching is good but to inform American citizens of their basic human rights, beyond the 2nd Amendment is to a great extent, anti-American. Said School Superintendent John Doh " What's next, teach them about their  rights against such things as habeus corpus, and illegal search and seizure? Their Miranda Rights? My God, there won't be a prison operating at full capacity in the entire country!" Mr.. Dryden will be tried in a civil court on June 12th. He will be represented by Clarence Darrow who rose from his grave when he heard of the story.

The paranormal world is abuzz with talk that the residence of the Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe is haunted. Rumors that the residence, which was the scene of an assassination in the 1930's, have taken on a new life, driven by the fact that the Prime Minister has not moved into the residence since he became PM six months ago. An unidentified senior government official for the PM states it's not ghosts that are the problem but the state in which the former residents left it, "The place looks like a hoarders paradise" the official complained, " they threw nothing out. There are boxes on boxes of newspapers, most with Pres. Bush and Reagan on the covers; and cats, Budda! there must be 200 cats in the place. It's been said that neighbors haven't been able to open their windows in years because of the stench.". The problem, the official stated was a delay in getting waste management company to come and clean the place. The only one that would touch t...

Jim Bloodwell has spent the past twenty-seven years unable to stand straight but bent forward at a 43 degree angle following an accident at work when a 400 pound rump of beef knock him off his feet while working the packaging line at ACME MEAT Packing. Seems  his partner in line forget to yell out "Here she comes!". Mr. Bloodwell was in traction for over a month until he was released from the hospital. It was then that Mr. Bloodwell found that he had more of a bend in him than a spoon worked on by Uri Gellar. For a while Mr. Bloodwell went through the usual emotions of anger, sadness, embarrassment and anger. then one day he picked up a book that changed his life. "The Power of Positive Thinking". Reading this book changed his life. Every day he would look for something that he knew was just within reach. He smiled, he whistled, he strolled down the street at his untoward angle in search of that certain something he knew was going to change his life. And then one da...

Researchers where  stumped to find out why Swedes were having less sex now than they were having in the 1990's. They checked and rechecked their data, they took soil samples, they  took blood samples, sampled how much television couples watched each night. They tried a thousand and one samples until one night James Olinville, the research facilities janitor overheard the group of scientists arguing back and forth about what the causes could be. He cleared his throat, the room grew quiet for a moment and he said "them people in the 90's are like 20 years older now. Maybe they just tired or got too fat". Scientists, astounded by the latent intelligence possessed by the janitor immediately decreed an honorary PhD on him and gave him a raise of 37 cents an hour and brought him a new broom and mop.

Officials were astounded when a Florida man found and killed an 18 foot python, the largest snake ever captured in Florida. But they were in for an even bigger shock when DNA from  Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and Judge Crater were found in the animals stomach. Said Jeff Wonk, medical examiner " I'm more confused than a liberal trying to read the Constitution  to find what I found in that damn snake". Tragically, the two people showed in the above picture have not been identified.