Thoughts Out Of Season

Death threats have been reported against several Colorado democrats after they sponsored legislation aimed at gun control. Democratic Representatives Rhonda Fields and Joe Salazar have found themselves at odds with pro-gun enthusiasts after sponsoring legislation that would make it a crime to shoot anything standing on two feet and possessing the faculty of speech, without cause. They also sponsored legislation to outlaw rocket launchers within 150 feet of an international airport. The threats came fast and furious, "You libbies should all be pushed out windows" was recorded on one representatives voicemail. Another went "I'm going to loosen all the screws holding my window air conditioner in place. Hopefully it falls on your head" screeched another. Representatives of the NRA, while denouncing the substance of the threats against law makers agreed with them in principle " while I would never sanction threats against anyone I can feel the callers pain"...

The imbecile factor in the United States has reached proportions that even me, a certified cynic of the twelfth degree finds hard to believe. America is headed towards an abyss known as Sequestration that will cause such irreparable harm as this country and its 330 million ignoramuses have never seen. Now before you start rolling your eyes and smirking be advised that I am not one of your regular "sky is falling' alarmists. Yes I know that cutting $85 billion from a country with a GDP of $13 trillion would cause as much harm as a child from New Jersey pissing in an empty fish tank. It's not the cuts that are going to do us in but the hit to our country's reputation for stability that's going to get us. The United States has been up at the top of the garbage pile for so long for only one reason, and that is its reputation for stable government. The world always assumed that no matter what band or what percentage of imbeciles were currently in charge, there were at l...

Government officials in the U.K. re avowed their commitment to austerity , this after Moody's tore away the country's AAA rating dropping it to Aa1. U.K. leaders, following a prolonged meeting yesterday with top economic advisers from Greece pointed out that while such countries as the United States could afford 70% obesity rates, bloated mortgages and trips to Yankee Stadium, the U.K. had to learn to restrain itself from similar extravagance's. Finance Minister George Osborn (half-brother to rock icon Ozzy) paraphrasing America's  ex-president George Bush's commitment to the war in Iraq, said " Britain has to stick to the course and we will". Reaction to the Minister's comments came fast and quick. "Holy crap!", screamed John Sterling a Piccadilly apple vendor, "losing half my pension to these damned austerity measures was tough but when our finance minister starts sounding like George Bush, well now they've gone too far!". Th...

American heartthrob and actor Ron Jeremy can get back to work having sex. The star of hundreds of feature films including "Meet You in My Mami" and "Your Chastity Belt Is No Match For My Key" was sidelined by doctors after he was found to have an aneurysm close to his heart. "It was real painful being away from work. As you know I really, really love my job" he stated with a pained look in his eyes. Jeremy began his 30 year career as a motion picture actor at Butt Wild studios where he took an entry level position as a janitor. His big break came one day as he walked into the company bathroom aside then CEO Paul Litme. As Litme, now a security guard at Universal Studios recalls  " We walked into the bathroom together and ponied up to adjoining urinals. I started my business but it took a while for Ron to get started. He was reaching through his zipper up to his elbow. Intrigued, I watched out of the corner of my eye as he pulled out what I first  to...

Police identified a person of interest in a Las Vegas shooting which left 3 people dead and several injured. Ammar Harris is accused of opening fire on a Maserati driven by an aspiring rapper which then struck a taxi causing it to explode into flames killing both the driver and passenger. "He was a good guy" stated a relative of the driver Maserati, "he loved that car. He worked odd jobs sweeping floors and delivering groceries for 2 years to buy  it". A relative of Ammar Harris, John Pullchit expressed shock and disbelief  that his cousin  would be involved in such a crime, "  Yo, I know my cousin got in trouble before but he was just turning his life around. He was telling me that he was gonna start introduction to the GED study. Then he was gonna apply to Harvard Medical School. He wanted to be a sturgeon". Las Vegas police spokesperson State Theobvious described Harris as armed and dangerous and asked anyone with information on Harris' whereabout...

Benghazi aside, I'm going to make a bold prediction tonight. In 4 years we will be welcoming the first woman president into office. Yes I believe that Hillary Clinton will win the next presidential election. She'll capture the women's vote overwhelmingly; the minority vote will be all hers, independents just interested to see if a woman can make a greater mess of things than any man in the past has done will go for here; and, most important she'll have President Bill Clinton as her consigliere, one other smart SOB. She's laying low now. Smart unlike Rubio out in front 4 years before looking more like a deer caught in the headlights than a dear should. As for me, I'll vote for her.She's tough, smart, full of drive and ambition. Plus I'm interested myself to see if a woman can screw things up as bad as the last group of ner' do wells have done.

This is something I wrote back in 2008 and just "rediscovered it". I thought it funny but what was even funnier was that it was based on a true story. Texas Pastor’s Advice for Better Marriage: More Sex, More Often An escaped mental patient masquerading as a Texas preacher is back in the sanitarium after convincing a flock of sheep to engage in an orgy he called a week long "congregational copulation" marathon. Many in the congregation said they had some misgivings at the outset, "Well, it surprised the bejesus out of me" said a bewildered Lilly Stripes, "for as long as I can remember I have been taught that having, you know, s-e-x, was sinful other than when I intended to carry forth another sparkling bible thumper into this great nation of heathens". Joan Silva who at first seemed proud of the fact she hadn't had relations with her husband since Kim Carne's  number 1 hit, the screeching "Bettie Davis Eyes", looke...